I have a keyboard, and I'm not afraid to use it!

The Sea (or, Thank God for the Internet)

2011-03-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I had an audio cassette recording of ocean sounds called "The Sea", produced by The Nature Recordings Reference Series. I LOVED that recording! I played it every night as I was going to sleep, and it helped my hyper mind calm down and unwind, helping me cut my usual 45 minutes to fall asleep into a much more reasonable 15 or 20.

Of course, as often happens, good things don't last. I can't exactly remember what brought about the demise of my beloved tape, but I certainly got my money's worth. I have tried many other nature recordings over the years, but nothing was quite as peaceful and relaxing as "The Sea."

So it was to my great delight that as I was going through some of my stored-away craft items I found the cassette tape box and insert for "The Sea." Enough years have passed, and the internet has exploded with tremendous power for finding things, so I decided to give it a shot.

To Google I went, which led me to Amazon, which provided me with a seller! And not just a seller, but a CD seller. O Joy! No more risk of ribbon destruction! I can get a digital copy and put it on my iPod and lull myself to sleep with my beloved ocean sounds once more.

I just found it, and just ordered it. I hope the seller doesn't delay (a used item from a third-party source, of course--"The Sea" is long-since unavailable). I'm looking forward to my ocean dreams again.

The Last of Lost

2010-05-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, the season finale of Lost aired. I've been following this show since the beginning. As an avid reader, I am fully aware that all good stories must have an ending, and I am very glad that the creators of Lost got to schedule the ending of their show so they could pace out their ending. That doesn't make me any less reluctant to end a story, though, so it's no surprise that today is somewhat a day of grieving and mourning for me.

I'm not going to debate whether that ending was well-paced, or whether it was the best series finale of all time. There are plenty of other blogs and websites that will go there. For what it's worth, I was not entirely sure how I felt immediately after watching the episode, but having a day to reflect on and process my thoughts, the show definitely won me over, and I feel Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse really pulled off an amazing feat.

I know that the debates will go on for several more weeks, with bloggers and critics debating the strengths and weaknesses of the episode, as well as the series. For me, the loss is more personal.

Lost hit the airwaves a few months after my divorce. I was living with my sister, and continued to do so until early last year. Lost was a joint viewing experience for us. Even after I moved out, we would text or IM during the commercial breaks, asking and answering questions, commiserating or cheering for the scenes we had just seen.

The day after an episode was a glut of online reading and theorizing. I was a fan of spoilers (though I avoided them for the series finale), so I would feed her some spoilers at her request. We would rehash shows and debate what it all meant. The hiatus only slowed this by about half, as we both looked forward to each new season with great anticipation.

So now all of the new shows are over, the story has been told, and barring the few special extras on the upcoming DVD release, we have received all of the answers that we're going to get. Everything else is left up to our imagination. I'm sure people will continue to discuss and debate this, though in ever dwindling numbers.

Like all good stories, I was held captive. I waited for each new installment, and trusted the authors to get through whatever rough patches there were. I knew that I would like the end, because I had so enjoyed everything that led up to it. I am grateful for the story that they gave me.

They also gave me something that I hadn't looked for, something which the end of the show can't take away from me: the experience with my sister, six years of a common interest that kept us talking and speculating and sharing a story that resonated with us both. Thank you, Lost, for telling your tale, and allowing me to add an unexpected chapter to my own story.

My Diet: Truth and Lies

2010-03-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm back to my "diet" again. I don't like calling it a "diet" because it's really just my new way of eating. But since I'm losing weight, "diet" seems appropriate. I have made some modifications based on a new book I read (Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson.) It is still a low-carbohydrate/higher fat lifestyle, but he incorporates a lot of other facets of your life. Also, I don't feel as guilt-ridden for "off" days as I did with Atkins. Sisson takes a more realistic approach--aim for perfect adherence, and you should reach 80%, which is still significant success.

I got off track for a while at the end of the year. I had planned to be good, to stick with it regardless of the temptation. But we got to Thanksgiving and I got a little off there, then each day it was easy to just go a little overboard. Not horrendously so, but enough to keep me from losing weight. I lied and told myself that I'd get back on board after Christmas, but then New Years came, and I had a temporary job and was commuting for a few weeks, and that made it hard to get back in the swing of things. Then it was Valentine's Day, and my dear, sweet boyfriend bought me TWO POUNDS of my favorite Sees Candy. TWO POUNDS!! Custom...all butterscotch squares. Who can say no to butterscotch squares? I can't!

I lied to myself about the candy. I told myself I would only eat one piece each day, and that way it wouldn't have much of an impact. HA! It was gone in 4 days. So I have to acknowledge that, at least for now, I am an addict. I cannot have sugary things in the house, because I cannot stop at one bite.

The good news is that I really didn't do too badly (besides the candy snarf). I had lost about 15 pounds before Thanksgiving, and between then and mid-February, I regained 3 of them. But since I got back on track, I have dropped another 9. I've lost enough now that my clothes are really not fitting well. I don't have money to purchase more, so I need to figure out a creative solution. Of course, that's the kind of problem I'm glad to have--not the "no money" problem, but the "clothes too loose to wear" one.

Holidays and holy days

2009-12-26T13:34:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is past for another year. Now that I'm older, it doesn't have the same excitement it used to have. Don't get me wrong...I love to receive presents, and I got some cool stuff this year. And I love to give presents...if I can find something unique that speaks to me of a specific loved one, then I squirm with anticipation while they open it. But even just buying ordinary things is fine, because I know that they are appreciative people.

But when I was a kid, gifts were magical. We were not well-off, so Christmas and birthdays were hotly anticipated events, chances to tap into wishes and dreams that you normally put on hold, kept hidden inside because you knew it could never come to pass. But twice a year, you had a chance to keep your hopes up, because maybe, just maybe this time you would get your hopes fulfilled. It happened sometimes. Not always, but enough to keep you dreaming inside.

My sister's birthday is on Christmas day, so her two days collided. I always felt bad for her, because she had to go for a whole year to wait, and then had to share the spotlight with a holiday. It was almost the same for some of the rest of us...my mom's birthday was around Thanksgiving, and my brother and I are 2 years/1 day apart, so we always shared a birthday celebration. But that's really nothing compared to sharing your birthday the Holy of Holies like my sister did.

So mom always made a special effort to split the day in two. First half would be Christmas, with all of our frenzied rush to open gifts and play with toys and run around like lunatics. Then the second half was birthday--a cake just for her, gifts wrapped in birthday paper, the whole thing.

But now we're adults. Mom passed too many years ago, and things aren't the same. Her joy at watching her kids grow got transferred to watching her grandkids, though they hardly have any memory of her. There's no "need" to keep up the tradition, but there's no need to stop it, either. So this Christmas I coordinated with my other siblings and we arranged all of the party info without my birthday sis having to do any of the work. We brought food and drinks, we brought birthday-wrapped gifts for her and her son (whose birthday is two days later, so now they're sharing a party!), and the holiday became a holy day.

Not necessarily holy in a religious sense, but it was set apart, unique. There is a reverence that is exclusive to those who have known and loved one another as long as we have. Faults are known, but not held against. Laughter is deeper because the jokes have a long history. Tears can be shed without shame, because they come from the same well we all have long drawn from.

Then again, maybe that is the religious sense--to know and be known, no pretense or artifice, and to be loved through and through. I'm no theologian, but I know this was a holy day, and it had nothing to do with the cultural trappings of the holiday. I am blessed.

Hug me

2009-12-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have a Facebook account so I can keep in touch a little more frequently with family and friends. It's a really great resource, and I am happy to get to hear what's going on in the lives of people that matter to me. Normally, I'd have to wait till Christmas get-togethers for some of these updates.

However, there is one aspect of Facebook that I'm struggling with. That is the hug/heart issue. This is probably not as much of an issue for guys, but I'm a girl, so I guess it's assumed that I would be grateful to get a hug or a heart. Isn't that a feminine thing to do? All warm and fuzzy and showing your appreciation.

I hate it. It's just does not ring true for me. People that I don't hug in real life send me hugs. Hearts made out of flowers? Please. I guess I'm not a good representative of womankind, because it's really hard for me to tolerate.

So far I just cautiously ignore them. But I have one friend who hasn't caught on and continues to send them. I am not sure how to handle it...do I e-mail and tell her "Thanks, but no thanks"? Do I block the application? (That's what I did with Farmville requests--what a relief!) Do I continue to ignore them? I don't see her very often, maybe 2 or 3 times a year, so I don't have much of a chance to say anything to her. I've only had a profile there for a couple of months.

I'm not completely anti-social. I'm nice to people, I respond to their posts, and in person I inquire after their children and families and remember what matters to them.

But online--wow, it just doesn't feel right to pretend that those cutesy little hugs and hearts mean anything to me. My sister has a friend who was sending her a heart-a-day for a while; I teased her pretty mercilessly over it. I guess it's kind of like Christmas cards--it can become an obligation rather than a treat. "Oh, Mary sent me one so I have to send one back."

Maybe that's the root of it--I hate feeling obligated to respond to someone else's efforts to be friendly in a way that feels untrue to my personality. I don't reach out and hug my friends every time I see them, so why would I do that online? I don't send cards or flowers on a whim (my closest real-life analogy for those hearts.) Wouldn't in seem disingenuous to do that online?

On the other hand, maybe I just suck at being a friend to women. Thank God for men!

Special Delivery

2009-12-02T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm hanging out at my brother's house again today. Why, you ask? Let me tell you...

I was here yesterday to sign for a package. He often has to travel for work, and many times I have stayed to dog-sit for him. This time, his girlfriend was going to dog-sit, but she had to work during the day, and he has a package being delivered that required a signature. (A Christmas gift for one of his kids, but shhh! Don't tell!)

I got to his house at 8:45 a.m., just shortly after he left for the airport. No problem, just hang out with the dog, the day is mine. I've had deliveries before--they usually show up around 10 or 11 a.m., so I figure I'll get home later that afternoon.

So I wait. And I wait. I read all the graphic novels I've brought with me (which are really his, loaned to me). I play with the dog, I play on the computer. Talk to my boyfriend as he gets ready for work. And I wait.

At 4 p.m., I decide maybe I'll just kick back on the recliner and nap a bit. Dog at my feet, blanket on my cold toes, I nap off and on, waking every time I hear a car driving past, looking out the window to see if it's the delivery driver.

My brother texts--any news? Nope.

My boyfriend texts--where are you? Waiting.

My brother texts again--well? Nope. Got a tracking number? Can you verify that it went out for delivery today? Not with him, unfortunately. He lets me off the hook, but I know he won't be home for several days, and he'd feel better if he knew it was signed for. So I stay.

8 p.m., no package. My boyfriend decides to drive out and hang out with me--I'm going to spend the night and be here again for the next day, hoping to catch the delivery guy. In the meantime, I have a package back at the apartment that didn't get delivered because I wasn't home. D'oh!

Down, down, down

2009-11-02T12:21:00.000-08:00

So after reading Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes, I decided that I had found the answer I was looking for. It was not the amount of calories that I needed to concern myself with as much as it was the source of the calories. Knowing that I am a carbohydrate junkie, I knew that it would be difficult to apply the evidence to my own lifestyle.

The book doesn't specify a specific diet to follow, it just presents the overwhelming evidence showing that obese people can get their weight under control by severely restricting carbohydrate intake. Reading the types of diets that the various researchers had applied in their studies and found successful at weight loss for obese people, I decided that I needed to start some type of low-carbohydrate diet and see for myself.

The best known diet (at least where I'm at) is Atkins. I know a few people who have used the Atkins plan and lost weight, but none of them had as much to lose as I do. Still, it was the best known and best supported plan in my area, so that's what I started.

It has been exactly four weeks, and I have lost 14 pounds. I know that the first week was mostly water weight, which is fine--I have a tendency to bloat anyhow, so it was nice to actually see my ankles again. However, I know that I am now losing fat. I can see the results in my body, how my clothes fit, how my body feels.

I do not go hungry on this plan, and I mostly don't feel "cheated". Of course, as a life-long sugar addict, it is a challenge, especially with Halloween just behind me. But seeing the numbers on the scale consistently reducing is a strong motivator. Feeling my clothes loosen is a constant reminder of my goal. I discussed it with my sister and she started Atkins around the same time. She's down over 7 pounds, though she's not quite as strict with her regimen as I am--she still eats nuts, for example, which I am holding out on till I am nearer to my goal. (She doesn't have as much to lose as I do, so her flexibility makes sense.)

The main struggle is much more of a mental issue than any physical side effects. I do not physically crave the sweets and breads that I used to enjoy, but I emotionally miss them. That sounds pathetic when it's stated so bluntly, but it is true. I was used to eating whatever I wanted that tasted good to me. Now, I still eat things that taste good (Hello, Cream Cheese!), but I purposely avoid certain items that, while very tasty, have not been very good for my health and well-being.

It helps a little to know that every time I don't eat the sourdough bread that I love, that I'm actually choosing something better for me: normalizing my blood sugar and reducing my weight. Still, it would be easier if my boyfriend was on this journey with me. He needs to lose weight, but he has not yet decided to take the plunge, so his meals still contain foods that I am avoiding. It can be hard to be around him at meal time, so I mostly keep my eyes on my plate, or at home I'll do a puzzle or read so I'm not distracted by the roasted potatoes and sweet corn. And chocolate is banished...I don't have the willpower to not eat it when it's here.

Maybe in time, the emotional craving and dependence will lessen as I adapt to my new eating habits. That is my hope. To anyone struggling with their weight and feeling hopeless, please consider reading Good Calories, Bad Calories. I cannot encourage you strongly enough to absorb all the evidence contained therein--it is revolutionary in light of our culture's obsession with the low-fat, low-calorie, high-intensity workout "solution" to the problem. I am exercising no more than I was before, and the weight is coming off steadily, without being hungry or buying specialty foods or mixes or concoctions.

Good Calories, Bad Calories

2009-10-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

I am overweight. I have been overweight my entire life. I was the only baby in the hospital nursery to gain weight before going home. It is so much a part of who I am that I don't really think about it all that often, until it's time to buy clothes.

But I am with a man who wants to marry me and have children with me. Knowing that made me re-evaluate my size and its potential impact on my possible future children. This fact combined with my increasing episodes of arthritic pain have made me realize I need to get my weight under control.

One of the reasons I've never lost weight is I hate dieting...I hate being hungry, I hate thinking I can never have food that I like. I know this is a big issue for most dieters. So I wasn't really sure how I was going to approach my required new weight-loss regimen.

Then I was catching up on articles from the Advice Goddess, and I found this post, mentioning the book Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. I bought it the next day, and spent three days reading it. Don't get me wrong...normally I could read a book that size in one day, but this book is so fact-heavy that it took me a long time to work my way through it.

It is eye-opening and provocative, and probably the most encouraging book I have ever read as a fat woman. It is SO nice to see in black-and-white that it's not just "my fault", I'm not just "lazy" and I'm not lying about how much I eat. I have many slim friends who eat significantly more than I do, and who never struggle with their weight. I know many who also are not nearly as physically active as I am, yet they never deal with the excessive weight I do.

If you are overweight, or you love someone who is, I urge you to read Good Calories, Bad Calories right away. I will post later about my new diet, but for now know that I have applied the principles in this book and for the first time in at least two decades, I have started losing weight.

Twelve Years

2009-08-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

In the early morning hours of August 30, 1997, my world was turned upside down. I had just been married about 8 hours prior, which is enough to turn anyone's world on its head. That meant moving to a new home and becoming a step-mom. Again, plenty of upheaval. And I had just begun a new job less than 90 days prior--again, major shifts in my world.

But nothing compared to the call I received the early morning hours of August 30, 1997--the night my mother passed away. She had just been at my wedding those few short hours earlier. The last thing I had said to her was "I'll see you tomorrow, Mom. I love you." We weren't leaving for a honeymoon, since money was tight, so I would have been able to see her. In fact, I did see her, though she didn't see me.

My mom left us with one piece of advice that sets us free--she said "When I'm gone, don't feel obligated to come to my gravesite--I won't be there." So even though it's the anniversary, I feel like it's my choice whether I go to the cemetery, because I honor her memory every day. The things I say are so influenced by who she was that I lose track sometimes of what originates with me and what she instilled. Whenever I see extended family, they comment on just how much I look and sound like her.

So here's to you, Mom: You were the best, and even after 12 years I still miss you every day.

Sis Me

2009-08-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

I was born a sister. I already had two siblings at birth, and one followed shortly behind. I had a pretty good handle on what it takes to be a sister. But as I was getting older and didn't have kids of my own, I thought it would be nice to reach out to the community and do something constructive to give back.

So two years ago, I signed up to be an official "Big Sister" through Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I was matched with a young girl, and we have been seeing each other regularly since then. Every week or two I pick her up and we do something together...summer has often had us swimming at my sister's pool, we've been to Chuck E. Cheese a couple of times, or most often we go to the movies.

There have been ups and downs. I have lost two jobs in the past two years, forcing me to limit my outings with her for budget reasons. Her mother, who had signed her and her sister up for the program moved out of state, forcing the girls to move in with their father, 20 miles away. Then I moved, so my home is actually 50 miles from hers now. The program actually limits the distance to 10 miles, to ease the burden on the "Big". However, I love my "Little", and I continue to see her even though the distance is inconvenient.

I knew that I would be making a difference in her life, and I'm glad that I have been a constant for her during phases of her life that seemed in perpetual flux. I didn't realize that she would make a difference to me. My refrigerator is covered in art that she has made for me. She freely hugs me and tells me she loves me...she introduces me to her friends and confides her secret crushes. She wants to share her snacks with me at the movies because she is a "big sister" and is used to splitting things, though I desperately try to give her things that she can claim as her own.

There are many ways to impact the world. You could say one little girl won't make all that much of a difference. But I'd say "It makes a difference to this one." And to this Big girl, too.

District 9 kicked my a$$

2009-08-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

I just saw District 9 tonight. I knew it was getting rave reviews, and I knew to expect a bit of gore. I don't normally tolerate that too well, but the reviews (including the linked one in my title, from my friend Luke Y. Thompson) were too encouraging to ignore. Plus, I knew my boyfriend would love it...he's a fan of aliens.

What I didn't know, and couldn't have anticipated, was that it moved me to tears more than once. It's so easy to marginalize "other"-ness in people, and to treat them as less than simply because they are different than.

District 9 graphically exposed what that marginalization looks like. The example of man's inhumanity was disturbing, and made me weep for my race. I am moved beyond words, and encourage anyone who happens upon this post to go see this film.

Festering Loneliness

2009-08-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

So there's a guy in Pennsylvania who was lonely, and after too many years of being lonely, he went on a shooting rampage. Because, somehow, that would solve his loneliness...? No, because it would vent his anger at the supposed instigators--women.

I'm not going to talk about gun control, I'm not going to talk about this particular whack job, I'm not even going to be so callous as to say that this made me glad I don't go to the gym. What I am going to say is that there's Loneliness, and then there is Festering Loneliness.

Everyone, at some point in their life, will experience Loneliness. You can be in a relationship, you could be in the middle of a huge crowd of people, or you may actually be alone, but that sense of being bereft will enter in, and physical proximity to people will not cure it. It may last, it may flit by...some personalities, I think, are more prone to loneliness, perhaps because they are deeply aware of their own individuality and the difficulty there is in truly connecting to another person.

But most people will move on, find that friend or lover, sometimes even a piece of art that lets them know they are not alone, they are not adrift, there is an anchor.

However, some people experience Festering Loneliness. They never seem to make that connection, they never grab on to the lifeline that pulls them ashore. They stay adrift, not seeing any way out. And it gnaws. It eats away at their soul, till at some point they lash out, in pain and fear and rage and desperation.

They don't all lash out with weapons, though those are the ones that make the news. I think it is like the experiments done with animals...you cannot keep them out of their natural conditions for too long without them displaying signs of mental disorders...neuroses, psychosis, rage...

And the natural conditions for humans is to be in relation to other humans. Festering Loneliness is a Catch-22...you are lonely and feel isolated, you brood on it and dwell on it, then you become a brooding person and people tend to shy away from you, which isolates you more...and so on.

I'm not sure what the answer is. We cannot force people to associate with those who are harboring a Festering Loneliness. Counseling would probably help, but to receive help you have to admit you need it, and most brooders have determined that they are not at fault for their status, it's all those people who are to blame.

And that, really, is my point. Whenever any of us starts to become aware that we are setting ourselves into a position of "me against the world", we need to pull ourselves up short and realize that we ourselves are the only common denominator in this equation. We are the only person we have control of, anyhow, so that's the best (and only) place to get to work.

Remembrance of eyes past

2009-08-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday with some extended family...aunts, uncles and cousins from my dad's side of the family. I haven't seen them in about 5 years. They live about 165 miles away...not an impossible distance, but not exactly convenient for quick visits.

My mom's side of the family mostly live within 50 miles of each other, so get togethers are more often. And most of dad's family stayed close to each other, except for my dad, who made the trip south and set up his life in OC. So our visits with them were not as frequent.

It's been over 17 years since my dad passed away, long enough for me to forget many things about him. One thing that this trip forcefully reminded me of was his eyes. As I stood talking to his next-younger brother, it was all I could do not to cry; he has exactly the same shade and shape of eyes as my dad. Different voice, different height and appearance, but the same brilliant blue eyes.

My uncle is normally a quiet man, one who sits and listens more than speaks. But yesterday we stood and chatted, and I found myself staring, like I was going back in time and looking right at Dad. Granted, all his siblings have lovely blue eyes, but my uncle had the exact same shape and skin coloring too, so it showed up the family resemblance even more.

It makes me sad to think how long it's been since I saw those bright blue eyes crinkle in merriment at his latest joke, or watching his grandkids play. So many things leave us in this life...it was nice to have the reminder, even though it hurt.

Price of Admission

2009-07-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

(The linked video has profanity and is probably NSFW.)

I've been thinking about bitterness. I spent a lot of my early life fearing men and relationships, largely in part to the bitterness I sensed from my mom. Her marriage was not a happy one, and in the years of stewing over her feelings of resentment and hurt, she grew bitter.

That wouldn't be so bad, I suppose...she did have reason to be hurt, after all, since she did not receive the love and attention she desired or deserved. However, it didn't affect her alone...she had four children, all of whom saw and felt her anger and the blanket resentments she held toward men as a response to the unpleasantness in her marriage. So four people were then unleashed on the world to deal as best as they could with their relationships.

One sibling is in a long-term marriage, which seems successful from the outside, but underneath the facade has issues that are likely to remain unresolved, as both partners fail to deal honestly with one another (for varying reasons).

Another resolved not to stay in an unhappy relationship like our mother did, and hence is on marriage #4. This one seems likely to last, as both are older and wiser, and more willing to make allowances for each other.

The last has one past divorce, though is now in a stable relationship that has all the appearances of long-term success...honesty, compatibility, humor, kindness and companionship.

That leaves me. I was married for 6 years, though I am now divorced. I don't consider the marriage a "failure", even though it ended, because I learned how to resolve my bitterness during that time. Many of the issues that I had held against my father were present in my husband. The years that I spent reconciling those difficulties with my partner also helped me resolve the issues with my dad, who had passed away many years prior.

I am now in a stable relationship of 2+ years with a kind man who does not embody the same issues. I have also matured and learned much in the intervening years. That doesn't mean it's a perfect relationship, but it has strength that will help it to endure.

I have to agree with Dan Savage..."there is no settling down without some settling for." As I have realized that I am not an ideal mate, I have released myself from the expectation that my partner must be ideal. It has made for a much happier and more realistic relationship. There is no perfect partner, there is no "The One" out there...but we can become "The One" for someone, as he/she works to become our "The One", out of love, respect and commitment.

The Man

2008-05-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

So one of my last posts was about the new guy in my life. It's been about a year now, so it's not quite so new anymore.

The gooey, gushy rush of new love has passed. The bloom may not be entirely off the rose, but the petals have been wilting in the heat.

Don't get me wrong--I'm still in love. He's kind, funny, considerate, gentle--many great qualities that will stand us in good stead in the years to come. We are compatible in many ways, and I enjoy his company.

But there are no illusions. I know what he's like when he's angry, cranky, tired, sick--I know his bowel habits and his health issues, his body hair and his Achilles heel. Yet....

If you asked me to go back to the start, I wouldn't. I cherish the time when the facade drops and the real person emerges. The fragility, vulnerability, honesty....trusting another human with who you truly are. Knowing that they can take it, that they aren't afraid or disgusted.

The beauty of The Man is that he has allowed me to drop my facade as well. I am known, and loved, warts and all. The roses may be wilted, but this is the bouquet I'll hold on to.

Love Language

2008-05-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

My sister had a birthday a while ago, and she was disappointed in the gift she got from her husband. She felt it was a little cold and impersonal, and that from her intimate partner (to whom she has been married quite some time) she should receive something more thoughtful.

Note that thoughtful does not mean more expensive in dollars, but it does mean more creative, or that it took more thought and planning.

We had a long talk about it. This has been the norm for many years--he's a good guy and treats her well, but he misses the point on her big occasions. He doesn't "get" that her love language is gifts.

I'm a big proponent of Love Languages. I read a book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages," and ever since then I've applied the knowledge with my friends and family. He states that we each speak a particular "language of love" as our primary language. Since it is our "native tongue," it is how we speak love to the other people in our lives.

But what if their language is different? They won't understand what you are saying to them. Just like if I told you in German that it's time to walk the dog, if you only speak Spanish, Fido is going to get no exercise.

So the languages are Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Admiration, and Acts of Service. Once I started to grasp this concept, it became fairly easy for me to see where my primary language was, and how I had always tried to communicate to my loved ones that way. It became equally clear that they didn't share my primary language, and instead had been speaking to me in their primary language!

It has changed my relationships for the better to realize what makes each person tick--they recognize that I am communicating love to them when I make an effort to speak their language. I have also shared this information with many people, and they have recognized their own language fairly easily. Whether they put that knowledge to good use is up to them.

So what's your language? Do you feel like your partner speaks it to you? If not, figure out what he/she is always asking you for, and you have a good clue as to what their language is. Speak it to them, and you will fill their tank and let them know how loved they are by you. Show them what your language is, and see if they find ways to "translate" their love for you.

Time Flies

2007-07-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I didn't realize just how long I had been gone. Apparently what they say is true: time does fly when you're having fun.

And such fun I've had! Nothing major or unusual--no vacations, or trips, or concerts (yet), but even the day-to-day stuff of living is better when you have someone special to share it with.

Who'd have thought? Just 2 months ago I was ready to throw in the towel--give up, take a break, go on sabbatical from "the dating life." Then I met him, and my world turned upside-down.

Yeah, I know, I know: "You're just in the early stages of love, everything's rosy for now...." Don't you love cynics? I realize that I'm a bit ga-ga over him right now, but my eyes are open--I do see the areas that have the potential to be pitfalls in the future. But for now, jaded realist though I am, I've chosen to enjoy the beauty of fresh love, new romance, endless possibilities.

I hope all is well in your life, my friends.

Big News

2007-06-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

Two big things happening right now in my world.

First, I am now officially a Big Sister. To clarify, I have been a "big sister" to my younger brother for 37 years. But as of today, I have been assigned a Little Sister via the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization. She is 10 years old, and very excited about our new friendship. We're having our first outing together on Thursday. I'm very happy to be supporting this wonderful organization, and I'm looking forward to building a friendship with this young girl.

Second, things are moving forward with my boyfriend. He is so delightful! I speak to him every day, we get together 2 or 3 times a week, he's met my family, and I'm going to meet his. He bought me a lovely gift for my birthday last week, and I get so giggly and happy when I think about him that I feel like a teenager.

Life is good!

The New Journey

2007-06-04T20:01:00.001-07:00

Unsure of my steps
I follow your lead
Not knowing what lies ahead
On the path we tread together

I keep pace with you
To stay within reach
Your light illuminating our way

I will trust you
Relax into your rhythm
Your easy stride tells me you are sure,
You are confident
In where we are headed

I sigh in relief
Accepting that the journey
Will be as much the point
As the destination

The Amazing Date

2007-06-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

I met someone from Match last week for coffee. It was a last-minute thing--I had resubscribed for a one-month period because someone interesting had e-mailed me earlier in the month. That had fallen through, and I hadn't had any other contacts worth noting, so I was going to cancel my subscription before they charged me for a second month. The day that I was planning to cancel, I got an e-mail from this guy.

Deciding to take a chance, I sent him my phone number and explained that I was cancelling my subscription, but he could call if he was interested. The next day he called, and that night we met for coffee. Things seemed to go well, so we planned a date for the following Friday night.

That was last night. What an AMAZING time we had! I have been dating online for a couple of years now, but this is the first guy that I've felt an immediate "click" with. He is funny and smart and has a sweet smile. He did his undergrad work as a music major (same as me), so we have a lot in common there. He keeps saying, "Wow! Someone I can take to an opera!"

We went to dinner and had a lovely time. While trying to talk afterwards, the waitstaff was cleaning up around us, so we decided to head out to a bar instead. Funny, since neither of us drinks. :)

We went to Downtown Disney and found an outdoor bar where we could sit and chat and spend more time getting to know each other. I was so excited to come across someone that "got" me and my sense of humor, and I felt like he was really excited too.

Afterwards, we went for a stroll around the grounds. There's a spot with a koi pond and a waterfall, but it was closed up for the night. We could see it down below us as we stood chatting. To my delight, he kissed me there, under the moonlight, with the sound of the waterfall behind us. We held hands as we walked back to his car.

It's hard not to get your hopes up--I have had other promising dates that have led nowhere. But here's to hoping that this sweet guy sticks around for a while and the Amazing Date turns into something special.

Final Final

2007-05-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

I took my last final exam of the semester today. I am officially out of school for the summer.

I was thinking that I would probably get a B in the class. I've had A's on all my work, but I know for a fact that I missed 5 days of classes. Yeah, I know, I know--it was unavoidable, I assure you. The first time, I did not call the teacher and let him know before class began, but for each subsequent absence, I phoned his office before class and left a message, stating that I would be absent. I figured that covered 2 excused absences, leaving me with three, which would deduct points from my total.

Before we began, the teacher made some announcements, handed back errant papers that had never been collected, then he had a few people stand while he announced that they had only been absent twice all semester. We gave them a round of applause.

Then he called one girl's name to have her stand, and he announced she had missed 1 1/2 days (she had left early one day.) Again with the applause.

Then he called my name! Me, and a few people after me. He announced that, according to his records, we had only missed 1 day. HHHHUUUUHHH????? The guy that I sat next to all semester looked at me like "Yeah, right!" I leaned over and said it must have been because I always called. Shortly after the folks with perfect attendance got their round of applause, the teacher confirmed my guess, stating that he knows life sometimes gets in the way and that when people made the effort to let him know in advance, he didn't count it against them.

So I may get an A after all. Still, I could be on the bubble because of the final. It consisted of two parts--a take home analytical essay that he gave us last week, and an in-class objective exam that we took today. I know I nailed my essay. I'm good at that stuff. You may not be able to tell it from my rambling here, but I actually write well. Everything that I wrote for this class all semester got A's with glowing commentary, so I feel very confident with that half of the final.

However, the objective exam was a different matter. It spanned 3 texts and all of our in-class notes. He allowed us to have all of our materials with us, but even then I could not find answers to some of the questions he asked. There were 30 questions, and there were 5 about which I had NO idea. I put answers in for four of them (3 were multiple choice, the other two were fill-in-the-blank.) I wrote an answer on one fill-in-the-blank question, but the final one asked the translation for a certain phrase, and for the life of me I could not remember ever hearing that phrase. I knew which text it was being drawn from, and after completing the rest of the exam (which was quite easy), I spent an extra 25 minutes thumbing through the text, hoping to God that the answer would pop out.

It didn't. I spent 10 more minutes checking the other texts, though I knew that was futile. So I had to leave it blank. That always saddens me. If I could have even come up with a reasonable guess, I would have felt better, but I was at a total loss.

So now I'm done. It's just a matter of waiting till the grade posts to know what my status is. Next step is to start saving money for next semester, though technically I need to find a job and EARN money before I can save money....

Blech

2007-05-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt much like blogging for a while. I got laid off from my job last Wednesday. I didn't see it coming, and they gave me no notice. "Corporate downsizing." Lovely.

In honesty, I needed to move on--it was a part-time job, which was great for my school schedule, but not for my wallet. So I'm on the job hunt again. I'm looking for full-time with benefits at this point, and school will be my secondary consideration.

On a positive note, I have started cycling, so I am sticking with my plan to get fit, despite being kind of depressed. It's probably helping to distract me, since I'm putting a lot of thought and planning into my excursions.

I did have one other really cool thing happen--on Sunday, I went with my brother down to La Jolla, and met one of my all-time favorite cartoonists: Berkeley Breathed, the creater of Bloom County and Opus. He was very cool, and he did a quick sketch of Opus in my scrapbook.

So even on the blah-est days, there can be good things happening.

Read the book

2007-05-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

A friend has a blog elsewhere, and he had made a comment about a particular TV show becoming banal over the years. Someone piped up with the comment "Read a book!"

He politely declined, indicating that not everything being broadcast is junk, just as not everything being published is gold.

This interested me for several reasons. First, being out in the dating world you tend to find a really strong dichotomy--people who watch NO television and look down on those who do vs. people whose entire cultural relevance is centered around what they've watched on the tube. There are other similar dichotomies--art lovers vs. sports fanatics, "cinema" enthusiasts vs. the-guy-who'll-watch-any-movie-playing, outdoorsy types vs. cloistered types. It's like gray doesn't exist anymore--it's either/or, baby, so get used to it.

Also, I am a bookworm. I love a book, magazine, blog--something that engages me with the written word. But there are some amazing TV shows and movies, and I would never tell someone to chuck one for the other.

I guess what bothers me is that while it's fine to have preferences, what makes us think it's fine to judge others for their preferences? The condescending tone ("Oh, I don't own a TV!") gets to me after a while. Granted, as a nation, we're a bit too lethargic in general, but this particular friend is quite active and doesn't waste every spare moment being passively entertained.

So does the fact that I don't like the snobbish attitude make me an anti-snob snob?

Movie Night

2007-05-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

As much as I enjoy movies, I rarely ever go. A friend convinced me to get a NetFlix account, but even with that I hardly ever watch movies.

My brother frequently passes off DVDs to me to watch, assuming that because I have more free time, I'll get to them before he does. It seems to make sense, though I haven't really lived up to his expectation.

He grew frustrated with this, and wasn't going to give me a new DVD he had bought, saying "You won't watch it anyhow." I assured him that I would, and I sat down that night to watch it.

I've watched 3 movies in the past week--Rocky Balboa, The Science of Sleep, and An Inconvenient Truth. From my brother, I still have about 7 or 8 DVDs, and I have 3 from NetFlix.

I don't want to sit on my butt for that many hours at a stretch. I'm already too sedentary, and having hands that are free while watching movies tends to make me snacky. I'm warding that off by doing some simple scrapbooking while I watch, but it's still not a lifestyle I want to adopt. I'm trying to become more active, improve my health, not become even more motionless.

But it's hard to resist the appeal of a good movie. I don't regret the time I've spent on what I've watched, I just need to balance it with some activity. My latent laziness is fed by opportunities like this.

Beautiful Music

2007-04-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

As it says in my "about me" section, I am single and looking. The main form that my looking takes is via online dating. I've been at it for about 18 months, and while I've not had amazing success, I've had better luck there than meeting men in the 'real world'.

So this week I came across a profile that I hadn't seen before. Well, that's not quite right--I had seen his blog quite a while before, but for some reason had never looked at his full dating profile. But this time I did.

He appears to be quite a delightful man! Nice pictures, articulate text, and he's a musician, as am I. So I sent an e-mail earlier this week, and he kindly responded, with some rather encouraging words, leading me to believe that we might hit it off.

Ball's in my court, so I send off a thoughtful yet amusing response. And....nothing. Three days, and nothing. I can see that he's been online, so it's not that he hasn't had an opportunity to read it.

I was torn. This particular dating site is rather notorious for "eating" messages--entire e-mails will simply never be delivered, and you're never told. So I've hemmed and hawed, and finally decided I couldn't handle it. I sent a follow-up e-mail earlier this evening.

No response so far, so I don't know if he's going to think I'm some cyber-stalker (I'm not), or pathetic (I guess I could be), or if he'll be flattered that I was interested enough to follow up (I am!)

This is the part I hate--waiting, not knowing, wondering what the other person thinks. I'm not a good person for "possibilities"--I like actualities much better. Let me settle into what I know, don't make me deal with a hundred "what if's".

But there's nothing more to do--if he does not respond again, I will not chase him down. I will take it as a lack of interest, and move along. Disappointing, because I think we could have made beautiful music together.

Swept aside

2007-04-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

The office was hot and stuffy, a sweltering sweatbox 3 months before schedule. The early evening light was muted as I pushed open the doors as I headed home.

An immediate change in atmosphere made me catch my breath. I had watched the breeze blowing all day, but had not felt it. Now, freed from the confines of work and duty, I felt drawn out, beckoned by a cool hand caressing my skin.

I took my time as I headed to my car. I rarely take time to enjoy a breeze, but this was more than just a simple whisper of air--these are Santa Ana winds, blowing strong and sure and not caring who is in their path. Though they are warm winds, they felt cool to my overheated skin.

I stood in the wind's embrace, feeling as though I was in a stream. My shadow stretched out long and low before me, casting me as a latter-day Medusa.

Bathed in the winds, held, caressed and moved by its power.

Warm my globe

2007-04-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not much of an activist. It's not because I don't believe in causes, but because I don't believe in people. I'm a person, so you'd think I'd be more understanding and sympathetic. But basically, I think that people don't want to be inconvenienced, and so they ignore any message that would require them to make changes.

So I don't hold out a whole lot of hope for the USA's response to imminent climate change. Even in a culture that is so obsessed with our kids (our schedules revolve entirely around our kids, much different than it was even in my parents' generation) we cannot be made to care about the future of the earth they will inherit from us.

But I want to do my part. I drive a very small car that gets good gas mileage. But I feel that even that is not enough, so I have started cycling. I'm not good enough yet to use it as my main form of transportation, but that is my goal.

My family thinks I'm more than a little nuts. They don't think I'll stick to it. I know that it's going to be tough. Southern California is definitely a car culture, and there are long distances to travel. But the benefits so far outweigh the costs that I really can't continue to ignore the obvious any longer.

I hope our self-indulgent culture wakes up soon and realizes that we are on the brink of catastrophe. There is no Imminent Domain, no God-given right to consume and own and take and use and cast away. The world sees us as greedy and arrogant, and they have a valid point.

I am just one small voice, but I will continue to speak truth wherever and whenever I can. As the old Bible school song goes, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." I'm just going to use a renewable resource to fuel it. :)

Conversation in Reverse

2007-04-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

I commute to school and to work 5 to 6 days a week. I'm usually alone in my car (yeah, I know--bad for the environment. I'll be making some changes soon.)

One of the things that I like to do is watch other people in their cars. Not while I'm driving, mind you, but at those points where we are stopped. Generally, I watch in my rear view mirror, since I can see faces that way.

Watching a conversation in reverse is a little odd--trying to figure out who started the discussion, what they are talking about, is it a good conversation, or are they arguing, are they related or just friends--all the little things that go into a tale are right there behind me.

I've been caught watching a few times--the driver or passenger will get a furrowed brow, then try to nonchalantly tell the other person that they are being watched. I don't count it as eavesdropping, since I can't hear what they're saying, and I can't read lips even when face-to-face, so in reverse would be hopeless. Yet I suppose that when we are in our cars, we enter our own private bubble, a mini-universe of our own, and knowing that someone else is watching you bursts that illusion.

I think my favorite part is the gesticulations--all the movements that we make as we communicate. I try to figure out what point they're emphasizing. Sometimes, I make up my own story to go along with their motions.

Man, I need a shorter commute!

Alive and Kicking

2007-04-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Appropriate sentiment for Easter, I suppose.

My two weeks of havoc are finally over. I got through the holiday, got through meeting the new love in my brother's life, got through a houseguest for the weekend, got through my crazy work shenanigans.

Things can return to the staid, placid pace to which I am most accustomed. Of course, I don't really anticipate that lasting too long, either, as my sister typically has projects that either require help, or require me to be busy so she doesn't bark at me for not working as hard as she is working.

I don't have any major projects of my own, just schoolwork and some books I want to read.

Deflated

2007-03-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have drained me. My normal pace is closer to the tortoise rather than the hare. I can't say that I always win the race, but I have always finished.

But now, with the hyper-active schedule that I have had, I am done for. There is nothing left, and yet there is more to do.

I wouldn't mind a little break--a chance to catch my breath, recuperate, regroup. But no such luck! I have miles to go before I'm done--I think Easter will be the final hurdle. Not too many guests, but an important new person to meet--my brother's new sweetheart is making her debut with the family that day.

So not only will I be completely drained, but I'll also need to attempt to be my witty, charming self. Oh, the things we do for those we love!

The week that was

2007-03-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

The last week had me working harder than I usually do, longer hours, more physical labor, and less time to think, let alone post.

I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend. I did get to sleep in today, but once I got up, I realized that I had better get my chores done. I was dreading this--I really just need a day or two of nothing to do to get back to my normal state of being. But laundry waits for no man, and my sister is knee-deep in renovation/redecorating projects, which means my time is still not my own.

We started a reupholstering project that she had envisioned: Removing the pale-colored fabric from our dining room chairs and bar stools, and replacing them with a black fabric with a delicate gold diamond pattern. Since we have a black-and-gold area rug under the dining room table, this fabric is a much better match. We had left the pale fabrics for convenience sake only, since we hadn't had the time to do more.

She is also remodeling her bathroom, but had come to a stalling point. She needs to pick up some large pieces of plywood and backer board to retile her bathroom countertop, but she needs my brother to pick them up, because he has a truck and we don't. Since he couldn't come by until tomorrow, she decided we should work on the reupholstering project today.

She asked if I wanted to help, and I said "Sure." She does a lot for me, and I'm happy to help her. However, she is the talented one when it comes to this stuff, so I generally always ask if I can be limited to the 'destructive' tasks, rather than the creative ones.

That's how I found myself seated on the floor of the living room, watching a bunch of shows that we had TiVo'd but hadn't viewed, all while pulling innumerable staples from the shredding fabric on multiple chairs. Fun Saturday!

We're still not done, but I'll be babysitting my brother's kids tomorrow, so I won't get much done then. That's probably a good thing, because my hands are aching from prying up staples, and my back is a mess from being hunched over most of the day.

So how was your week?

Remiss

2007-03-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

I have been lax in my posting of late. This week has me swamped at work, and when I get home I am so tired that I can't even think straight. I can't guarantee that my brain is even in gear as I type this.

Hopefully, I will get caught up on my sleep soon so I'll have something worthwhile to share with you in a few days.

In the meantime, have some chocolate. It's what I would do if I was bored. :)

Reflection

2007-03-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

The outer eye sees much the same as it did last year

A few more gray hairs
heralding the passage of time

New wrinkles wreath my eyes
evidence of a year filled with laughter and smiles

The inner eye sees more

What I had long pursued has shifted focus
and I see more clearly what I truly desire

A soul that stopped attending church
but found its faith

Bonds of love and loyalty to family
strengthened as challenges were faced

A new friend, thousands of miles away
who has rejuvenated my zest for life

And the longing for another who is not my own
But who will remain in my heart long after our time together passes

Fears faced and conquered,
Joy discovered unexpectedly

These reflections wash over me
as a new year marches on

Intensive Purposes

2007-03-14T22:06:00.000-07:00

One thing that I have noticed in some blogs is this statement: "For all intensive purposes...."

I'm not normally one who corrects people. My mom always said "You don't correct adults--it's not polite." So unless I really can't tell what a person meant to say, I just go with what they said.

But c'mon, really? Have they never read the phrase in writing? "Intents and purposes," people.

Although it makes me curious--what would an intensive purpose be?

OMG! They killed Kenny! (not really about South Park)

2007-03-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

I've missed a couple of episodes of Battlestar Galactica this season, and I feel a little out of the loop. My friend e-mailed today, asking if we could discuss this week's episode, and I had to confess that I haven't seen it. He made me promise to download it after work, because he's "ready to burst "over it.

I have now done that, and watched the episode. I don't want to spoil it for all 1 of you people reading here, but what the frak?

So I e-mailed him to start the conversation, but apparently he had better things to do than to sit around, waiting for my e-mail. "Ready to burst," indeed!

Cracks of Time

2007-03-01T09:48:00.000-08:00

I fit you into the cracks of time
the spaces between what must happen
to keep life moving forward

Stolen moments
nestled between obligations
that’s where I meet you

Your music breathes life into me
My heart beats again
and I sing

Your words speak to my soul
washing away the stains
of my sojourn

I would widen the spaces
to fill my life with you
but that is not to be

These cracks of time are moments
unnoticed in this world
that bring me to you

And I am replenished

The Ocean Cries

2007-02-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

Rainfall woke me, but the benevolent deities heard my heart’s cry. The gods of wind and sky blew away the clouds, leaving a crystal dome for the sun’s rays to glint on the waters. I return to my mistress, the sea. My heart was lost to her as a child, and I never wish to regain it.

Slowly I make my way to the water’s edge. The dunes sink beneath my feet, leaving what seems to be an indelible mark. But it is an illusion, for nothing here lasts. As I tread the shore, trailing footprints, I reflect on my impermanence. I leave my mark for but a while, soon to disappear in the unceasing tide.

The sea erases the sins of man, and I come to be cleansed. I hesitate, needing to be washed but fearing the sting. She knows this, and rushes to greet me. The baptismal font flows, washing me, drawing out the stains. Anger, regret, heartbreak, all flood away in the tide.

I stand on the shore and weep

for Beauty and Joy
for Laughter and Friendship and Love
for Finding and Losing
for Hoping against hope
for Acceptance

I have left my mark in the lives of some. In time it will fade, only a memory and faint. I will be gone, as swiftly as my footfalls are washed away in the tide. But one day another young woman will come to the shore and weep, and she will find me there. For my soul belongs to the sea, and I will find my final rest there.

The Living Cathedral

2007-02-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

I went to pay homage at the living cathedral

bright blue sky adorned ceiling

pulse of the ocean hymns

rolling waves sermon

And spirits hovered over me

white-winged, golden-eyed

Crying in a tongue I could not speak

yet fully comprehended

I, the penitent

wayward soul

returning to hear once more

"Welcome home, child"

And I worshiped

Cold Bones

2007-02-24T17:36:00.000-08:00

The cold seeped into my bones
chilling my core
till my soul felt frozen in place

Unable to move
to dance, to sing
I waited for the thaw

Then you came
alight with a fire of your own
I was drawn in

You engulfed me
but there was no burn
only blessed warmth

Freed by your fire
I have feet again, and voice
alive in your flame

Walking Man

2007-02-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

I like to watch men walk. A man crossed the street in front of me today as I was driving home. He had a long overcoat on, as the weather was turning cold, and he was putting an earpiece in place, either for his iPod or cell phone.

His strides were confident, sure, quick without being a jog. His whole body moved fluidly, no hesitation.

I know that not all men walk like this, but these are the ones who catch my eye. Perhaps it seems foreign to me because so many women wear shoes that make bold walking difficult. But men can convey their power and virility in something as simple as a step.

And I notice.

The Journey of Words

2007-02-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

I gave life to you
Lips, tongue, teeth, breath
Your creator
Once I breathed you to life
You had free will
And all I can do is wait
To see if you will return to me
And in what form

Like some “Where’s George?” game
I can trace your path once I set you on your course
But I can no longer direct you
Nor force my will upon you
Once spoken, you have life
And cannot be unmade

I sent you to him
Full of intent
But with your own will
You conveyed a different message

You return to me through him
The same, but different
A tone I did not speak
The message missed its mark

He received you
My creation
But he did not receive me
Your will imposed upon mine
Telling him what I did not say

Spam-tastic

2007-02-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

I have a few types of spam that I typically get in my e-mail.

First are the bogus "You've won...." offers.

Next are the "Increase your penis size" lies.

Followed by the "I'm a young horny girl" solicitations.

But now there's a new one. "Increase your sperm by 500%." I'm not sure what the attraction of this is. It doesn't seem to be aimed at infertile couples. I'm guessing it's a volume thing?

Either way, it makes no difference to me. I'm a girl--if I increase my sperm count by 500%, it's still gonna be zero.

The Cold Wind

2007-02-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

The cold wind blows
the empty shell down the well-traveled road.
Bumping into obstacles makes no difference
to the empty shell, because it is hollow
And cannot feel.

The road is familiar
though there are some new twists in the path.
In spots mud sucks the shell in, threatening to consume it
But the wind dries the mud and blows the shell along.

Strangers see the shell, but it doesn’t register in their memory
because it is just an empty shell, not worth noticing.

Till the cold wind blows
the empty shell to a resting place
where the wind cannot reach.
The howling subsides,
and the shell abides
in anticipation of being

Filled again.

Work for Food

2006-05-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

Started my new job today. Though it will take me a couple of weeks to get into the 'groove', it's obvious already that it's going to be a fairly simple job. In fact, it will become mindless rather quickly.

This is okay, because I'll need to not be taxing my brain once school starts again. However, during the summer, while I have no classes, I'm certain that I will be bored stiff.

But I'm grateful for the job, because it will provide me with an adequate (not significant) income, allowing me to continue my education and still have a little social life. With the new gentleman friend that I am seeing, the need to fund a social life has increased. :)

Infatuation

2006-05-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

So I've recently started seeing a new gentleman. He is sweet and funny, smart and articulate, creative and kind. I like him a lot, and I want to make sure I don't mess up with him. Not that I typically do mess up, but I'm extra nervous about this one, because it has so much potential.

I've never been a good dater. I'm a little shy in social situations, and tend to get overwhelmed in crowds. Smaller, more intimate settings definitely work better for me, but those aren't typically what you get in the early stages of dating.

But my sweetie came over to my house yesterday, and we spent several hours sitting outside under the gazebo, enjoying each other's company and the beautiful day. We went for a walk later, his arm around me, holding me close.

Little moments like that keep me going--I can deal with all of the stress and BS that the world throws at me, as long as I have the moments of tenderness and companionship that feed my soul.

Up & at 'em

2006-04-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time...I'm still in school, but now I'm dating. I waited a long time after my divorce before I started dating, for various reasons. But now I'm "back in the saddle again", and it's kind of weird.

I'm a relatively shy person, and have always had difficulty meeting men. That, coupled with the fact that I am euphemistically called "full-figured" (i.e.-overweight), and you get a woman who doesn't often attract men, especially in the SoCal meat market.

But I started looking online, and I've met some really cool people. Not everyone is to be believed, for sure, but I try to be honest, and so far I've met a few sweet guys. In fact, I started a blog on a dating site, and now that I'm better at it, I remembered my little bloggy here and decided to come back and get it going again.

I'll write something interesting soon, I promise! For now, it's enough to be back.

You oughta be in pictures

2006-04-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

Makin' Music

2005-07-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well, strangers, it's been a while. I forgot I even had a blog! But here I am again.

I squeaked by in my Musicianship class--I didn't think there was a chance I would pass, but I did, so now I get to move on in my never-ending quest to make something of my life.

Not that I have decided what I want to make of my life--there are a few appealing options, but I'm not really sure what my chances are. But I'm in no rush--it'll come in the same amount of time whether I stress about it or not.

My nephew, whom I pointed in the right direction, has far surpassed my meager guitar-playing skills. Yet he continues to pay homage to me, which is flattering. I suppose if I spent 7 hours a day practicing, I'd be good too.

I spell dum?

2005-02-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

I got an e-mail from some unknown person saying they hate my blog, 'lern' to spell, and you are 'dum'. I have no idea who this person is, or how he would have found my private e-mail, since I don't give it out to people. And since I haven't posted to this blog since last summer, and there are no misspellings that I could find, it makes me wonder: Why spew venom out on someone who doesn't even know you? Is it spam? If so, my filter missed it.

I don't want to reply and confirm my active e-mail address to some stranger. What a weird world this is.

Home Sweet Shower

2004-08-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

I spent 14 days traveling this summer. First trip was 10 days--Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, and Grand Canyon. Second trip was 4 days--Acadia. And now I'm back home, and school has started. I've got to find a job soon, because I spent all of my money on school registration and books. The trips were gratis--I went with my brother & his kids. He paid for my costs and I helped watch the kids. Not a bad exchange!

Anyhow, while I thoroughly enjoyed the trips, I am quite glad to be home. There's nothing like your own bed, and ESPECIALLY your own shower, to make you feel like you can handle life. Hotel showers suck. I think next time I'll bring my own shower curtain. Instead of fighting the tissue-paper-thin piece of crap that the hotel hangs up, I'll have a nice, thick plastic curtain that does not leak and does not stick and actually lets you spend enough time under the water to get clean.

The other thing that sucks about traveling is that you don't know the food. For example, a garden salad in California is generally iceberg lettuce, carrots, perhaps some red cabbage, and some sort of tomatoes. But twice in Maine the salads were lettuce, green onions, and red and green bell pepper. I don't like green onions or any color bell peppers. You think you know what you're going to get when you order a 'garden salad', but I guess you gotta ask.

I already have loads of school work to do, so I shouldn't be online, but here I am! Anyhow, let me know what you did this summer, and whether you'd do it again. Or not--I'm pretty easy.

Freedom of speech

2004-06-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I only started this blog in order to be able to 'log in' on other people's blogs. But I'm thinking I may enjoy having a place to vent. I don't really intend to tell any of my friends about it, so I should be able to write any old thing I want without repercussions. Typing in this blog is faster than handwriting in a journal, and since my hard copy journals have been compromised in the past, I'm thinking that maybe I should hide my thoughts in plain sight. Whaddya think?

Welcome

2004-06-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Since I have no idea what I'm doing, I will not be surprised if you don't either. However, if you DO know what you're doing, please don't harass me. Remember--this is the home for idiot savants--or just plain idiots, of which I am chief.