Price of Admission

(The linked video has profanity and is probably NSFW.)

I've been thinking about bitterness. I spent a lot of my early life fearing men and relationships, largely in part to the bitterness I sensed from my mom. Her marriage was not a happy one, and in the years of stewing over her feelings of resentment and hurt, she grew bitter.

That wouldn't be so bad, I suppose...she did have reason to be hurt, after all, since she did not receive the love and attention she desired or deserved. However, it didn't affect her alone...she had four children, all of whom saw and felt her anger and the blanket resentments she held toward men as a response to the unpleasantness in her marriage. So four people were then unleashed on the world to deal as best as they could with their relationships.

One sibling is in a long-term marriage, which seems successful from the outside, but underneath the facade has issues that are likely to remain unresolved, as both partners fail to deal honestly with one another (for varying reasons).

Another resolved not to stay in an unhappy relationship like our mother did, and hence is on marriage #4. This one seems likely to last, as both are older and wiser, and more willing to make allowances for each other.

The last has one past divorce, though is now in a stable relationship that has all the appearances of long-term success...honesty, compatibility, humor, kindness and companionship.

That leaves me. I was married for 6 years, though I am now divorced. I don't consider the marriage a "failure", even though it ended, because I learned how to resolve my bitterness during that time. Many of the issues that I had held against my father were present in my husband. The years that I spent reconciling those difficulties with my partner also helped me resolve the issues with my dad, who had passed away many years prior.

I am now in a stable relationship of 2+ years with a kind man who does not embody the same issues. I have also matured and learned much in the intervening years. That doesn't mean it's a perfect relationship, but it has strength that will help it to endure.

I have to agree with Dan Savage..."there is no settling down without some settling for." As I have realized that I am not an ideal mate, I have released myself from the expectation that my partner must be ideal. It has made for a much happier and more realistic relationship. There is no perfect partner, there is no "The One" out there...but we can become "The One" for someone, as he/she works to become our "The One", out of love, respect and commitment.

The Man

So one of my last posts was about the new guy in my life. It's been about a year now, so it's not quite so new anymore.

The gooey, gushy rush of new love has passed. The bloom may not be entirely off the rose, but the petals have been wilting in the heat.

Don't get me wrong--I'm still in love. He's kind, funny, considerate, gentle--many great qualities that will stand us in good stead in the years to come. We are compatible in many ways, and I enjoy his company.

But there are no illusions. I know what he's like when he's angry, cranky, tired, sick--I know his bowel habits and his health issues, his body hair and his Achilles heel. Yet....

If you asked me to go back to the start, I wouldn't. I cherish the time when the facade drops and the real person emerges. The fragility, vulnerability, honesty....trusting another human with who you truly are. Knowing that they can take it, that they aren't afraid or disgusted.

The beauty of The Man is that he has allowed me to drop my facade as well. I am known, and loved, warts and all. The roses may be wilted, but this is the bouquet I'll hold on to.

Love Language

My sister had a birthday a while ago, and she was disappointed in the gift she got from her husband. She felt it was a little cold and impersonal, and that from her intimate partner (to whom she has been married quite some time) she should receive something more thoughtful.

Note that thoughtful does not mean more expensive in dollars, but it does mean more creative, or that it took more thought and planning.

We had a long talk about it. This has been the norm for many years--he's a good guy and treats her well, but he misses the point on her big occasions. He doesn't "get" that her love language is gifts.

I'm a big proponent of Love Languages. I read a book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages," and ever since then I've applied the knowledge with my friends and family. He states that we each speak a particular "language of love" as our primary language. Since it is our "native tongue," it is how we speak love to the other people in our lives.

But what if their language is different? They won't understand what you are saying to them. Just like if I told you in German that it's time to walk the dog, if you only speak Spanish, Fido is going to get no exercise.

So the languages are Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Admiration, and Acts of Service. Once I started to grasp this concept, it became fairly easy for me to see where my primary language was, and how I had always tried to communicate to my loved ones that way. It became equally clear that they didn't share my primary language, and instead had been speaking to me in their primary language!

It has changed my relationships for the better to realize what makes each person tick--they recognize that I am communicating love to them when I make an effort to speak their language. I have also shared this information with many people, and they have recognized their own language fairly easily. Whether they put that knowledge to good use is up to them.

So what's your language? Do you feel like your partner speaks it to you? If not, figure out what he/she is always asking you for, and you have a good clue as to what their language is. Speak it to them, and you will fill their tank and let them know how loved they are by you. Show them what your language is, and see if they find ways to "translate" their love for you.

Time Flies

Well, folks, I didn't realize just how long I had been gone. Apparently what they say is true: time does fly when you're having fun.

And such fun I've had! Nothing major or unusual--no vacations, or trips, or concerts (yet), but even the day-to-day stuff of living is better when you have someone special to share it with.

Who'd have thought? Just 2 months ago I was ready to throw in the towel--give up, take a break, go on sabbatical from "the dating life." Then I met him, and my world turned upside-down.

Yeah, I know, I know: "You're just in the early stages of love, everything's rosy for now...." Don't you love cynics? I realize that I'm a bit ga-ga over him right now, but my eyes are open--I do see the areas that have the potential to be pitfalls in the future. But for now, jaded realist though I am, I've chosen to enjoy the beauty of fresh love, new romance, endless possibilities.

I hope all is well in your life, my friends.

Big News

Two big things happening right now in my world.

First, I am now officially a Big Sister. To clarify, I have been a "big sister" to my younger brother for 37 years. But as of today, I have been assigned a Little Sister via the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization. She is 10 years old, and very excited about our new friendship. We're having our first outing together on Thursday. I'm very happy to be supporting this wonderful organization, and I'm looking forward to building a friendship with this young girl.

Second, things are moving forward with my boyfriend. He is so delightful! I speak to him every day, we get together 2 or 3 times a week, he's met my family, and I'm going to meet his. He bought me a lovely gift for my birthday last week, and I get so giggly and happy when I think about him that I feel like a teenager.

Life is good!

The New Journey

Unsure of my steps
I follow your lead
Not knowing what lies ahead
On the path we tread together

I keep pace with you
To stay within reach
Your light illuminating our way

I will trust you
Relax into your rhythm
Your easy stride tells me you are sure,
You are confident
In where we are headed

I sigh in relief
Accepting that the journey
Will be as much the point
As the destination

© 2007 pac611

The Amazing Date

I met someone from Match last week for coffee. It was a last-minute thing--I had resubscribed for a one-month period because someone interesting had e-mailed me earlier in the month. That had fallen through, and I hadn't had any other contacts worth noting, so I was going to cancel my subscription before they charged me for a second month. The day that I was planning to cancel, I got an e-mail from this guy.

Deciding to take a chance, I sent him my phone number and explained that I was cancelling my subscription, but he could call if he was interested. The next day he called, and that night we met for coffee. Things seemed to go well, so we planned a date for the following Friday night.

That was last night. What an AMAZING time we had! I have been dating online for a couple of years now, but this is the first guy that I've felt an immediate "click" with. He is funny and smart and has a sweet smile. He did his undergrad work as a music major (same as me), so we have a lot in common there. He keeps saying, "Wow! Someone I can take to an opera!"

We went to dinner and had a lovely time. While trying to talk afterwards, the waitstaff was cleaning up around us, so we decided to head out to a bar instead. Funny, since neither of us drinks. :)

We went to Downtown Disney and found an outdoor bar where we could sit and chat and spend more time getting to know each other. I was so excited to come across someone that "got" me and my sense of humor, and I felt like he was really excited too.

Afterwards, we went for a stroll around the grounds. There's a spot with a koi pond and a waterfall, but it was closed up for the night. We could see it down below us as we stood chatting. To my delight, he kissed me there, under the moonlight, with the sound of the waterfall behind us. We held hands as we walked back to his car.

It's hard not to get your hopes up--I have had other promising dates that have led nowhere. But here's to hoping that this sweet guy sticks around for a while and the Amazing Date turns into something special.

Final Final

I took my last final exam of the semester today. I am officially out of school for the summer.

I was thinking that I would probably get a B in the class. I've had A's on all my work, but I know for a fact that I missed 5 days of classes. Yeah, I know, I know--it was unavoidable, I assure you. The first time, I did not call the teacher and let him know before class began, but for each subsequent absence, I phoned his office before class and left a message, stating that I would be absent. I figured that covered 2 excused absences, leaving me with three, which would deduct points from my total.

Before we began, the teacher made some announcements, handed back errant papers that had never been collected, then he had a few people stand while he announced that they had only been absent twice all semester. We gave them a round of applause.

Then he called one girl's name to have her stand, and he announced she had missed 1 1/2 days (she had left early one day.) Again with the applause.

Then he called my name! Me, and a few people after me. He announced that, according to his records, we had only missed 1 day. HHHHUUUUHHH????? The guy that I sat next to all semester looked at me like "Yeah, right!" I leaned over and said it must have been because I always called. Shortly after the folks with perfect attendance got their round of applause, the teacher confirmed my guess, stating that he knows life sometimes gets in the way and that when people made the effort to let him know in advance, he didn't count it against them.

So I may get an A after all. Still, I could be on the bubble because of the final. It consisted of two parts--a take home analytical essay that he gave us last week, and an in-class objective exam that we took today. I know I nailed my essay. I'm good at that stuff. You may not be able to tell it from my rambling here, but I actually write well. Everything that I wrote for this class all semester got A's with glowing commentary, so I feel very confident with that half of the final.

However, the objective exam was a different matter. It spanned 3 texts and all of our in-class notes. He allowed us to have all of our materials with us, but even then I could not find answers to some of the questions he asked. There were 30 questions, and there were 5 about which I had NO idea. I put answers in for four of them (3 were multiple choice, the other two were fill-in-the-blank.) I wrote an answer on one fill-in-the-blank question, but the final one asked the translation for a certain phrase, and for the life of me I could not remember ever hearing that phrase. I knew which text it was being drawn from, and after completing the rest of the exam (which was quite easy), I spent an extra 25 minutes thumbing through the text, hoping to God that the answer would pop out.

It didn't. I spent 10 more minutes checking the other texts, though I knew that was futile. So I had to leave it blank. That always saddens me. If I could have even come up with a reasonable guess, I would have felt better, but I was at a total loss.

So now I'm done. It's just a matter of waiting till the grade posts to know what my status is. Next step is to start saving money for next semester, though technically I need to find a job and EARN money before I can save money....

Blech

I haven't felt much like blogging for a while. I got laid off from my job last Wednesday. I didn't see it coming, and they gave me no notice. "Corporate downsizing." Lovely.

In honesty, I needed to move on--it was a part-time job, which was great for my school schedule, but not for my wallet. So I'm on the job hunt again. I'm looking for full-time with benefits at this point, and school will be my secondary consideration.

On a positive note, I have started cycling, so I am sticking with my plan to get fit, despite being kind of depressed. It's probably helping to distract me, since I'm putting a lot of thought and planning into my excursions.

I did have one other really cool thing happen--on Sunday, I went with my brother down to La Jolla, and met one of my all-time favorite cartoonists: Berkeley Breathed, the creater of Bloom County and Opus. He was very cool, and he did a quick sketch of Opus in my scrapbook.

So even on the blah-est days, there can be good things happening.

Read the book

A friend has a blog elsewhere, and he had made a comment about a particular TV show becoming banal over the years. Someone piped up with the comment "Read a book!"

He politely declined, indicating that not everything being broadcast is junk, just as not everything being published is gold.

This interested me for several reasons. First, being out in the dating world you tend to find a really strong dichotomy--people who watch NO television and look down on those who do vs. people whose entire cultural relevance is centered around what they've watched on the tube. There are other similar dichotomies--art lovers vs. sports fanatics, "cinema" enthusiasts vs. the-guy-who'll-watch-any-movie-playing, outdoorsy types vs. cloistered types. It's like gray doesn't exist anymore--it's either/or, baby, so get used to it.

Also, I am a bookworm. I love a book, magazine, blog--something that engages me with the written word. But there are some amazing TV shows and movies, and I would never tell someone to chuck one for the other.

I guess what bothers me is that while it's fine to have preferences, what makes us think it's fine to judge others for their preferences? The condescending tone ("Oh, I don't own a TV!") gets to me after a while. Granted, as a nation, we're a bit too lethargic in general, but this particular friend is quite active and doesn't waste every spare moment being passively entertained.

So does the fact that I don't like the snobbish attitude make me an anti-snob snob?

Movie Night

As much as I enjoy movies, I rarely ever go. A friend convinced me to get a NetFlix account, but even with that I hardly ever watch movies.

My brother frequently passes off DVDs to me to watch, assuming that because I have more free time, I'll get to them before he does. It seems to make sense, though I haven't really lived up to his expectation.

He grew frustrated with this, and wasn't going to give me a new DVD he had bought, saying "You won't watch it anyhow." I assured him that I would, and I sat down that night to watch it.

I've watched 3 movies in the past week--Rocky Balboa, The Science of Sleep, and An Inconvenient Truth. From my brother, I still have about 7 or 8 DVDs, and I have 3 from NetFlix.

I don't want to sit on my butt for that many hours at a stretch. I'm already too sedentary, and having hands that are free while watching movies tends to make me snacky. I'm warding that off by doing some simple scrapbooking while I watch, but it's still not a lifestyle I want to adopt. I'm trying to become more active, improve my health, not become even more motionless.

But it's hard to resist the appeal of a good movie. I don't regret the time I've spent on what I've watched, I just need to balance it with some activity. My latent laziness is fed by opportunities like this.

Beautiful Music

As it says in my "about me" section, I am single and looking. The main form that my looking takes is via online dating. I've been at it for about 18 months, and while I've not had amazing success, I've had better luck there than meeting men in the 'real world'.

So this week I came across a profile that I hadn't seen before. Well, that's not quite right--I had seen his blog quite a while before, but for some reason had never looked at his full dating profile. But this time I did.

He appears to be quite a delightful man! Nice pictures, articulate text, and he's a musician, as am I. So I sent an e-mail earlier this week, and he kindly responded, with some rather encouraging words, leading me to believe that we might hit it off.

Ball's in my court, so I send off a thoughtful yet amusing response. And....nothing. Three days, and nothing. I can see that he's been online, so it's not that he hasn't had an opportunity to read it.

I was torn. This particular dating site is rather notorious for "eating" messages--entire e-mails will simply never be delivered, and you're never told. So I've hemmed and hawed, and finally decided I couldn't handle it. I sent a follow-up e-mail earlier this evening.

No response so far, so I don't know if he's going to think I'm some cyber-stalker (I'm not), or pathetic (I guess I could be), or if he'll be flattered that I was interested enough to follow up (I am!)

This is the part I hate--waiting, not knowing, wondering what the other person thinks. I'm not a good person for "possibilities"--I like actualities much better. Let me settle into what I know, don't make me deal with a hundred "what if's".

But there's nothing more to do--if he does not respond again, I will not chase him down. I will take it as a lack of interest, and move along. Disappointing, because I think we could have made beautiful music together.

Swept aside

The office was hot and stuffy, a sweltering sweatbox 3 months before schedule. The early evening light was muted as I pushed open the doors as I headed home.

An immediate change in atmosphere made me catch my breath. I had watched the breeze blowing all day, but had not felt it. Now, freed from the confines of work and duty, I felt drawn out, beckoned by a cool hand caressing my skin.

I took my time as I headed to my car. I rarely take time to enjoy a breeze, but this was more than just a simple whisper of air--these are Santa Ana winds, blowing strong and sure and not caring who is in their path. Though they are warm winds, they felt cool to my overheated skin.

I stood in the wind's embrace, feeling as though I was in a stream. My shadow stretched out long and low before me, casting me as a latter-day Medusa.

Bathed in the winds, held, caressed and moved by its power.

Warm my globe

I'm not much of an activist. It's not because I don't believe in causes, but because I don't believe in people. I'm a person, so you'd think I'd be more understanding and sympathetic. But basically, I think that people don't want to be inconvenienced, and so they ignore any message that would require them to make changes.

So I don't hold out a whole lot of hope for the USA's response to imminent climate change. Even in a culture that is so obsessed with our kids (our schedules revolve entirely around our kids, much different than it was even in my parents' generation) we cannot be made to care about the future of the earth they will inherit from us.

But I want to do my part. I drive a very small car that gets good gas mileage. But I feel that even that is not enough, so I have started cycling. I'm not good enough yet to use it as my main form of transportation, but that is my goal.

My family thinks I'm more than a little nuts. They don't think I'll stick to it. I know that it's going to be tough. Southern California is definitely a car culture, and there are long distances to travel. But the benefits so far outweigh the costs that I really can't continue to ignore the obvious any longer.

I hope our self-indulgent culture wakes up soon and realizes that we are on the brink of catastrophe. There is no Imminent Domain, no God-given right to consume and own and take and use and cast away. The world sees us as greedy and arrogant, and they have a valid point.

I am just one small voice, but I will continue to speak truth wherever and whenever I can. As the old Bible school song goes, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." I'm just going to use a renewable resource to fuel it. :)

Conversation in Reverse

I commute to school and to work 5 to 6 days a week. I'm usually alone in my car (yeah, I know--bad for the environment. I'll be making some changes soon.)

One of the things that I like to do is watch other people in their cars. Not while I'm driving, mind you, but at those points where we are stopped. Generally, I watch in my rear view mirror, since I can see faces that way.

Watching a conversation in reverse is a little odd--trying to figure out who started the discussion, what they are talking about, is it a good conversation, or are they arguing, are they related or just friends--all the little things that go into a tale are right there behind me.

I've been caught watching a few times--the driver or passenger will get a furrowed brow, then try to nonchalantly tell the other person that they are being watched. I don't count it as eavesdropping, since I can't hear what they're saying, and I can't read lips even when face-to-face, so in reverse would be hopeless. Yet I suppose that when we are in our cars, we enter our own private bubble, a mini-universe of our own, and knowing that someone else is watching you bursts that illusion.

I think my favorite part is the gesticulations--all the movements that we make as we communicate. I try to figure out what point they're emphasizing. Sometimes, I make up my own story to go along with their motions.

Man, I need a shorter commute!

Alive and Kicking

Appropriate sentiment for Easter, I suppose.

My two weeks of havoc are finally over. I got through the holiday, got through meeting the new love in my brother's life, got through a houseguest for the weekend, got through my crazy work shenanigans.

Things can return to the staid, placid pace to which I am most accustomed. Of course, I don't really anticipate that lasting too long, either, as my sister typically has projects that either require help, or require me to be busy so she doesn't bark at me for not working as hard as she is working.

I don't have any major projects of my own, just schoolwork and some books I want to read.

Deflated

The last two weeks have drained me. My normal pace is closer to the tortoise rather than the hare. I can't say that I always win the race, but I have always finished.

But now, with the hyper-active schedule that I have had, I am done for. There is nothing left, and yet there is more to do.

I wouldn't mind a little break--a chance to catch my breath, recuperate, regroup. But no such luck! I have miles to go before I'm done--I think Easter will be the final hurdle. Not too many guests, but an important new person to meet--my brother's new sweetheart is making her debut with the family that day.

So not only will I be completely drained, but I'll also need to attempt to be my witty, charming self. Oh, the things we do for those we love!

The week that was

The last week had me working harder than I usually do, longer hours, more physical labor, and less time to think, let alone post.

I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend. I did get to sleep in today, but once I got up, I realized that I had better get my chores done. I was dreading this--I really just need a day or two of nothing to do to get back to my normal state of being. But laundry waits for no man, and my sister is knee-deep in renovation/redecorating projects, which means my time is still not my own.

We started a reupholstering project that she had envisioned: Removing the pale-colored fabric from our dining room chairs and bar stools, and replacing them with a black fabric with a delicate gold diamond pattern. Since we have a black-and-gold area rug under the dining room table, this fabric is a much better match. We had left the pale fabrics for convenience sake only, since we hadn't had the time to do more.

She is also remodeling her bathroom, but had come to a stalling point. She needs to pick up some large pieces of plywood and backer board to retile her bathroom countertop, but she needs my brother to pick them up, because he has a truck and we don't. Since he couldn't come by until tomorrow, she decided we should work on the reupholstering project today.

She asked if I wanted to help, and I said "Sure." She does a lot for me, and I'm happy to help her. However, she is the talented one when it comes to this stuff, so I generally always ask if I can be limited to the 'destructive' tasks, rather than the creative ones.

That's how I found myself seated on the floor of the living room, watching a bunch of shows that we had TiVo'd but hadn't viewed, all while pulling innumerable staples from the shredding fabric on multiple chairs. Fun Saturday!

We're still not done, but I'll be babysitting my brother's kids tomorrow, so I won't get much done then. That's probably a good thing, because my hands are aching from prying up staples, and my back is a mess from being hunched over most of the day.

So how was your week?

Remiss

I have been lax in my posting of late. This week has me swamped at work, and when I get home I am so tired that I can't even think straight. I can't guarantee that my brain is even in gear as I type this.

Hopefully, I will get caught up on my sleep soon so I'll have something worthwhile to share with you in a few days.

In the meantime, have some chocolate. It's what I would do if I was bored. :)

Reflection

The outer eye sees much the same as it did last year

A few more gray hairs
heralding the passage of time

New wrinkles wreath my eyes
evidence of a year filled with laughter and smiles

The inner eye sees more

What I had long pursued has shifted focus
and I see more clearly what I truly desire

A soul that stopped attending church
but found its faith

Bonds of love and loyalty to family
strengthened as challenges were faced

A new friend, thousands of miles away
who has rejuvenated my zest for life

And the longing for another who is not my own
But who will remain in my heart long after our time together passes

Fears faced and conquered,
Joy discovered unexpectedly

These reflections wash over me
as a new year marches on