Scent memory

We didn't argue about much, but there was one thing we disagreed about constantly: his use of cologne. He loved cologne, especially fancy designer colognes. It made him feel put-together and polished, and he never left home without a squirt of cologne. In fact, I could come home from work hours later and smell his cologne on the dog, since he would give her a cuddle before he left for work.

I, on the other hand, had opinions about this. I don't really have anything against a nice cologne, but it should definitely be kept at a minimal level--something that can be smelled when someone gives you a hug, but not something that follows you in a trail as you walk through a room.

I would argue with him, telling him that he was working in a small therapy office and it was overwhelming. I said people have perfume allergies. I told him people would assume that he was covering himself up because he wasn't clean.

And that was the big point for me--I liked how he smelled without any addition. His own natural scent was clean and fresh and never offensive. I didn't like him covering himself in something fake-smelling, when he himself smelled so good to me.

I now have his cologne in his drawer. It reminds me of him because he loved it, not because the scent itself is pleasant to me. I wish I could have bottled his natural scent and kept that with me. The dogs sleep on his pillows now--it is the last of his natural scent in the house, and they bask in it. I wish I had their sense of smell for a day so I could soak it in the way they do. Part of missing his hugs is missing his scent. I have pictures so I can see him, I have recordings so I can hear his voice. I will never get to smell him again, and that's a grief I would never have anticipated in this morass of missing him.